It’s hard to believe that it’s been 2 1/2 months since my last post. The summer of 2015 is one I am glad to put behind me. My father-in-law passed away and since then I’ve been inundated with what I refer to as the documents of death – forms, forms and more forms – legal, financial and insurance. In between filling out forms, there were phone calls to make, information to research, and documents and notaries to track down as well as trips to the post office. There’s a house to clean, boxes to pack up and sundry items to discard. Traveling out-of-state and making arrangements long distance is an overwhelming experience – the kind of scenario that leads to depression, anxiety and weight gain. Not a pretty picture.
Fellow introverts who cherish solitude and sameness, and shy away from over-stimulation and changes in daily routine would understand. I think writing would have helped but for some reason I could not put my thoughts into words. They were too jumbled, competing for attention and sparring inside my head. Longing for a sense of control, and taking pride in attention to detail, I probably shouldered more responsibility than was necessary. Even the lawyer commented that I was so organized it was scary. Frankly, I find it scary that he wasn’t as organized, but that’s another story.
But it wasn’t just the death and aftermath that got under my skin. It was the undeniable awareness of the aging process, which begs so many questions. Will I be able to afford care when I need it? Will I be able to stay in my own home when I’m no longer capable of making that decision? Will someone take the responsibility to make sure I am cared for when I become dependent? Will I have time to tie up loose ends? Can all this be accomplished without overburdening the people I care about?
I find so interesting the many ways people address these questions – or don’t. Some plan and then put worry aside. Others adopt a que sera sera attitude. And then there’s me, needing to work through it in my head until I can transform the thoughts into words. Like water drunk by a runner who finally stops to quench his thirst, words formulated and propelled onto the screen taste so good.