Devices, my dears, we have to talk. You have not been my friend lately. And you do realize I have a home office, so your existence in my life is more necessity than luxury. I implore you to pull yourself together.
My beloved all-in-one printer, you’ve been faithful to me for five years. Then, after I fed you new overpriced black and color ink cartridges just the way you like them, you refused to print correctly. First, you teased me with smeared ink. I repeatedly tried to help you with the aid of the troubleshooting guide, patiently waiting for you to revert back to your normal behavior. Then, no black ink printed at all. When I found the sloppy ink spill inside, I knew your condition was more serious than I thought. I tried to get help, but Dr. Hewlett-Packard said it was hopeless.
My precious laptop with the touch screen that makes you so endearing, I am devastated that my touch no longer has an effect on you. For some unknown reason, without any warning signs to let me down easy and prepare me for what was to come, you simply decided to stop working. When I called the emergency number, Dr. Geek Squad asked me if I dropped you. What a question! I couldn’t be more gentle and careful, buffing you with a soft cloth daily. Luckily, the keyboard and mouse are still operable, but who knows for how long?
As for you, my land line, do you know how many people don’t even bother maintaining a house phone anymore? Do you realize how lucky you are to have a home? Yes, I understand you still work, but you used to allow me the option to block call waiting before dialing into a conference call. Why won’t you let me do that anymore? It’s incredibly irritating to hear beeps on the phone when I am in a meeting with a virtual room full of people! It is in your best interest to ensure I am successful. If I have to cut expenses, guess who would be the first to go?
Fax machine, what do you have to say for yourself? I don’t ask for much. I hardly bother you at all; yet, you require replacement cartridges way too often. You are the epitome of greed. Those cartridges cost a fortune. Well, I have bad news for you. I am replacing you with a printer that has faxing capability, so you’ll just have to find yourself a new home. Sometimes in life, harsh lessons need to be learned.
This is unforgivable after all I’ve done for all of you; taken good care of you, kept you clean and out of the elements, and defended you when people railed against the excessive use of technical devices. I think I deserve better.
Maybe you have all teamed up against me because you’ve gotten lazy and just don’t want to work anymore, thinking this is a way to prod me to return to office life. Well, if that’s your plan, you can forget it right now. As frustrating as machines are, you’re still easier to deal with than people.